Please Allow Me to Introduce Myself

I am one of those moms.

No, not one of those bitches who think that their $800 handbags will make up for the fact that they wear gym clothes everywhere—those ones who only ever talk about manicures and diamond earrings yet look perpetually frazzled and as though they probably haven’t slept with their husbands in 18 months? No. Not one of those.

I’m one of the other kind. The kind who lets her kids eat fast food. Yes. Lets. Actively.

The kind who has used TV to babysit her children when she just. needed. a. freaking. break.

The kind who says, “Uh, huh. Uh, huh. Uh, huh,” because everyone is talking to her ALL AT THE SAME TIME and how on EARTH is she supposed to make any sense out of it?!?!

Yeah, I’m one of those.

I bet you’re proud you’re not like that. You lovingly prepare homemade food containing nary a trace of artificial ANYTHING from fully organic shit grown/raised in your very own backyard. Which you religiously weed every morning at dawn.

TV isn’t allowed in your house. Except when PBS airs some sort of symphonic performance. And then you all crowd around, enrapt, and snack on kale chips.

You not only listen to and treasure every word ever uttered by your children, but you document them, old-fashioned style, in a moleskin journal. Well, in like 70 at this point. Because they are so highly verbal.

You are THE mom. The mom of TV sitcoms, gently humorous memoirs, and Good Housekeeping magazine. You are the ultimate Pinterest mom. Your hashtags are #homemade #handmade #handsewn #fromscratch #allnatural and #glutenfree.

You, of course, are perfection.

And I am one of THOSE moms.

I will make you feel better about yourself. I will validate every sacrifice you have ever made for your family. I give you reason to exist, because you exist because of my existence. Or some such bullshit.

Oh, yeah. I’m one of those moms who curse. Sometimes, IN FRONT OF MY KIDS!

But on the off chance that you are not one of the treasured June Cleaver moms of the world, just in case you are one of THOSE moms, too, perhaps here, if you should ever come across this little nothing blog that I will likely forget about within 72 hours, you will find a little comfort. 

You are not alone. There are others like you. Others who suck. And I am one of them. :)