Help Wanted

After much consideration, self-debate, crying, and eating of Rold Gold Tiny Twists, I have decided to return to work full-time. Allow me to clarify, because that makes it sound as though I actually have a career to which I can return. Sadly this is not the case, as I am remarkably unsuccessful. If by remarkably you mean just as I expected.

Anyway, it was not a decision I made lightly. Mostly because I am great at arguing with myself. Seriously, I can talk myself into and out of anything 100 times before the dust settles. On the one hand, my current existence as a couch ornament is pretty depressing. I would like my life to have a purpose, and I would like that purpose NOT to be occasional sweeping. And I'd like to contribute to family in ways that involve money rather than neuroses. Thanks to me, our household has LOADS of the latter, but "will not go to the dollar store without full makeup" and "runs away and hides in the bathroom when someone knocks on the front door" aren't gonna pay for a nice vacation or any major surgeries we might someday require. But on the other hand, the couch IS pretty comfortable.

Really, though, I know I sound lazy, but the prospect of returning to work full-time and all the craziness that that entails (Who will watch the kids on half days, days off, and holidays? Summers? Whose going to keep them when they're sick? There are three of them, so chances are good that at least one is gonna be infectious on any given day. What the fuck is for dinner? Is my boss going to hate me for being late for the third time this week because the school bus broke down AGAIN?) really puts a damper on the more rewarding aspects. (Money. Just money.)

It also doesn't help that my prospects just aren't good. That dumb Bachelor's degree that I was going to supplement with further education? Well, thanks to life and inability to make proper decisions, that didn't happen. Since it isn't in 'Nursing' or 'Education' or some other field with a direct career path, I've had to take those dull, low-paying entry-level jobs that the government invented for dumbassess like me. Trust me when I say that, when your resume consists solely of that type of work, you are actually NOT going to be as attractive a candidate as you had probably imagined.

Although I'm clearly a genius that any prospective employer would be lucky to have, job searching just has not gone very well. 95% of the job openings I come across are for specialized workers with advanced degrees and 45 years of experience who are willing to work nights, weekends, and all holidays for minimum wage. Seriously, folks, if you haven't job searched in awhile, go check out the Help Wanteds. You'll leave totally fucking disillusioned and will probably become a communist hermit. I know I have, Comrade.

So far, I have found precisely three jobs that I meet the minimum qualifications for, and at least two of them made liberal use of the words strip search. I applied for the third, because if I'm going to be placing and/or receiving gloved body parts in any orifices, I'm going to expect more than $11.24/hr. I have standards, you know.

I'm cautiously optimistic that this particular opportunity will work out. Mostly because I've done this type of work before, and also because I've got a solid interviewing strategy on account of my experience as a career counselor.

My Infallible Steps to Guaranteeing A Successful Job Interview:

1. Get all gussied up in a way that is attractive to male interviewers but not intimidating to female interviewers. It's hard to mask all this hotness, but no woman is going to hire you if she thinks your tits are perkier than hers.

2. Wear a shirt that reads Team Player on the front and Rule Follower on the back. Not only are these traits that all prospective employers are looking for, but they'll appreciate your craftiness and will see you as a "creative type."

3. Address the interviewer as Supreme Ruler of the Universe and All That Inhabits It. The interviewer will either appreciate your superb brown-nosing abilities or will be just frightened enough to see your potential as a stalker that will almost certainly be fully realized if she doesn't give you the position.

4. Blowjobs. Nothing says dedication and willingness to accept a challenge like giving blowjobs to complete strangers. For the ladies, I recommend gift bags comprised of Coach purses, nonfat lattes, pink wine, and Sephora samples. Shouting out, "YOU get a Coach bag, and YOU get a Coach bag, and YOU get a Coach bag," as you hand them out will clench the victory.

So as you can see, I'm practically a shoe-in.

Well, I suppose it's time to wrap this up. Since my days as a professional layabout are numbered, it's time for me to work on my bon-bon eating quota. I'm super behind since I don't even know where to GET bon-bons outside of 1985.